A superb listener is ready to be completely current and targeted whereas the opposite particular person is speaking. “We could be current by listening and resisting the temptation to interpret, assume, predict, or provide you with a reply whereas the particular person remains to be speaking,” licensed therapist Steph Tuazon, LCSW, just lately instructed mbg.
To Tuazon’s level, you’ll be able to inform you’re not truly listening to the opposite particular person if, whereas they’re speaking, you’re additionally fascinated about what you wish to say in response. When you’re in your head analyzing their phrases as they’re nonetheless talking—or worse, attempting to interrupt them to insert your personal feedback—that’s an enormous signal that you just’re not listening properly.
Why? As a result of your focus is definitely on getting your personal level throughout (or proving your level proper, or proving your associate’s level unsuitable), reasonably than truly understanding what’s being stated to you, and ensuring the speaker feels understood—the largest marks of a very good listener.
To know in case you really perceive your associate’s level, Tuazon suggests attempting repeating again what you heard proper after they completed talking. When you can’t repeat what they stated precisely, then you definately weren’t truly listening.
One other nice check for you: After a tense dialog or argument along with your associate (or whoever), see in case you can precisely clarify their perspective to a different particular person—importantly, with out your judgment, interpretation, or opinions inserted into it. Why have been they upset? What did they really say in response to particular belongings you introduced up?
“Not being current in a dialog can seem like lacking an entire dialog,” she notes. When you can’t actually give a play-by-play of their aspect of the dialog, that’s a transparent signal that you just didn’t actually perceive or internalize what they stated—in different phrases, your listening abilities may in all probability use some work.